"Getting the Bugs Out"

By Jerry Zezima

I live in a wasp neighborhood. At least that’s the buzz from a couple of exterminators who came over on separate occasions to rid the house and property of all the pests that creep my wife out.

Sue, who says I’m the biggest pest of all, routinely roams the premises with a flyswatter and calls the extermination company if she sees even one little gnat.

This time she was in the living room when she saw a wasp, which she smashed, and then spotted a couple of bees trying to get in the front window.

“Two bees or not two bees?” I said dramatically. “That is the question.”

“You’re a pest,” Sue responded.

So she called an exterminator.

“Bug spray won’t work on your husband,” a pest technician named Sean told Sue. “But it will get rid of the bees and wasps.”

He took me outside — for inspection, not extermination — and showed me a bunch of holes in the ground.

“They aren’t ant holes,” Sean said. “They’re wasp holes.”

“I could never do your job because I wouldn’t know an ant from a hole in the ground,” I admitted.

“Ants and wasps are what people complain about the most,” said Sean, who dropped granules that he said would get rid of the insects.

“May I try?” I asked.

“Sure,” he agreed.

“I guess I could do your job after all,” I said after going over a small patch of the backyard with a spreader.

But I wasn’t allowed to use the sprayer, which released an insecticide from a nozzle that was attached by a hose to a backpack.

“I’ll do the perimeter of the house and spray around the first-floor windows,” said Sean, who also used a long brush to dust eaves for spiders and other home invaders.

“Has your family bugged you about getting rid of bugs in your house?” I asked.

“Not yet,” Sean said. “But they will.”

Sue didn’t bug me because all the bugs in our house had been eradicated. Or so we thought.

A couple of weeks later, she saw a spider in the bathroom. Then she saw a bee in the kitchen.

“I’m calling the bug guy again,” Sue said.

This time it was a certified service professional named Alex.

He repeated what Sean did and added that he would also spray for ticks.

“Do you know what kind of ticks don’t bite?” I asked.

“What?” Alex said.

“Nervous ticks,” I announced proudly.

Alex laughed and said, “I like dad jokes!”

“Are you a dad?” I asked.

“No,” Alex answered. “I live with my mom.”

“Does she bug you about getting rid of bugs in your house?” I wondered.

“Yes,” he said. “She’s always after me. I bring my job home with me.”

Like Sean, who used to work as a roofer but quit because he’s afraid of heights, Alex likes being an exterminator.

“I used to be a telemarketer,” he said. “That was no fun. Most people think telemarketers are even worse than insects.”

He also worked in a big-box store but quit because he had to be there at 4:15 in the morning.

“Then I worked in a car dealership,” Alex said. “I was the guy behind the computer in the service department.”

Now he gets satisfaction in helping customers keep their home and property free of pests.

“What’s the biggest bug you have to deal with?” I inquired.

“Spider crickets,” Alex said. “They jump at you instead of away from you.”

“My wife says I’m the biggest pest in the house,” I said.

“Too many dad jokes?” he asked Sue.

“They never end,” she replied.

I proved her right when I thanked Alex and said, “If we see any more bees and wasps, we’ll give you a buzz.”

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima