"Not Sorry to See Them Go"

By Jerry Zezima

As much as I appreciate receiving a daily barrage of email pitches for fat removers, teeth aligners, night vision binoculars and other amazing products I can’t possibly live without, I subscribe to the theory that I can’t unsubscribe from stuff to which I never subscribed.

That’s the quandary I can’t seem to get out of even with a 20-volt cordless drill, which I don’t want because I might hurt myself so badly that I can’t use the computer to unsubscribe from these relentlessly irritating offers.

It’s enough to make me buy a bottle of vegan gummies, which I would never take anyway because I’m not interested in “creating a powerful synergy,” as the offer suggests. What I am interested in is unsubscribing from the company that makes these things.

But the synergy of the sadistic salespeople who send out these electronic ads is more powerful than you can imagine — unless you, too, have been hounded beyond endurance with unwanted subscriptions that you can’t, no matter how many times you try, get out of.

Among the products from which I have tried without success to unsubscribe are:

The Wrinkle Eraser, a “60-second beauty trick” from a Beverly Hills “beauty expert.”

The Portable 2-in-1 Power Washing Nozzle: “Wash like a pro!”

Herpesyl, a cream that supposedly prevents herpes outbreaks.

Swollen Feet Relief: “See this incredible inflammation fix in action!”

The Car Dash Camera, which records “everything that goes on inside and outside your car.”

The Memory Foam Pillow: “Wake up feeling unstoppable!”

Lume Deodorant: “Smell better naked!”

There are others, such as an AI assistant (it starts at $1,800, which means you’d have to have artificial intelligence to fall for it), a premium credit card (so you can run up debt with the help of an AI assistant) and an “atom hearing device” (so you can hear yourself scream every time you try to unsubscribe from this stuff).

Whenever you click on the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of an email offer, you are directed to a screen with these words: “We are sorry to see you go.”

Then it says, “Enter your email address to unsubscribe.”

It supposedly takes 10 days to remove you from the list, but you really aren’t removed because you keep getting ads for the same products. And you are put on new lists. It never ends.

I have noticed that most of these offers are sent by At Home Daily, a website that is owned by a company called FigJam Publishing.

Since turnabout is fair play, I recently sent the following email to the persistent folks at FigJam with an offer they can’t, I hope, refuse. I eagerly await a reply, but I am not holding my breath.

Dear FigJam Publishing:

I’m Jerry Zezima, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist whose work, I am proud to say, has no redeeming social value.

I am writing to thank you for filling practically every waking moment of my otherwise dull life with exciting email offers for products to which I have never subscribed. Against my better judgment, I want to unsubscribe from them but can’t. If you could please help me, I would be most grateful.

I also would like to write about your wonderful company so the whole country will know about you. In addition, I am offering you the fabulous opportunity to subscribe to my column — free of charge! And believe me, it’s worth every penny.

Here’s the deal: Take me off your countless subscription lists or I will send you my latest column 150 times a day, seven days a week, until my next column comes out. Then I will repeat the process.

Thanks again, FigJam. I look forward to hearing back from you. Till then, order the vegan gummies. After you read my column, you’ll need them.

Copyright 2024 by Jerry Zezima