"Look Who's Walking"

By Jerry Zezima

I’m the very model of the modern marching man. And I am determined to put one foot in front of the other until I walk headlong into a wall.

But I can’t say the same for the vast majority of walkers who don’t seem to know where they are going, usually while wandering aimlessly in front of me.

That is why I think people should be given walker’s licenses after passing a rigorous test to determine if they are fit to navigate sidewalks, malls or supermarkets without creating a human traffic jam that frazzles nerves and ends up in a walk-by shouting.

Walker’s licenses would be like driver’s licenses and require applicants to enroll in a walker’s education class, where they would learn to move along without bumping into other walkers, cutting them off or stopping dead in their tracks, which could lead to a rear-end collision and higher insurance premiums.

I recently spent a week in New York City, proud home of the world’s worst walkers. The sidewalks and crosswalks teemed with exasperating pedestrians, some on their phones, others ambling three abreast so I couldn’t get around them without being flattened by Olympic wannabes rushing through in the opposite direction.

But this isn’t just a big-city problem. The suburbs are also plagued by people who don’t know how to keep moving without getting in your way.

Here, then, is a test to see if you qualify for a walker’s license, issued by the DMV (Department of Meandering Violations).

QUESTION NO. 1

You are pushing a baby stroller on a busy street and come to a crosswalk. Do you:

(a) Stay alert and stop until it is safe to cross.

(b) Wear headphones so you can’t hear car horns blasting as you saunter through the intersection.

(c) Push the stroller with one hand and text with the other as you veer into the roadway.

ANSWER: (a) You are entrusted with the care of an infant, you idiot! Watch where you’re going.

QUESTION NO. 2

You are in a mall looking for a fancy water bottle or a handbag you can’t afford. It is only natural to window shop, but walking etiquette says you should:

(a) Drift from left to right and back again so you can hold up shoppers who are there because their favorite store is running a sale.

(b) Be courteous and stay to the right while you slowly pass Victoria’s Secret and pretend not to notice the lingerie in the window.

(c) Be the first one on an escalator and stop at the bottom, causing a pileup.

ANSWER: (b) Opt for the nightgown.

QUESTION NO. 3

You are on a sidewalk in New York City and are stuck behind a mass of humanity. Do you:

(a) Use an app on your phone that sounds like a police siren.

(b) Attempt to pass on the right, which would be illegal if you were in a car, and risk getting knocked off the curb and run over by a bus.

(c) Try to push your way through without being trampled to death.

ANSWER: None of the above. Next time, take an Uber.

QUESTION NO. 4

While shopping in a supermarket, you encounter the following people:

(a) The oblivious guy who blocks the delicatessen with his cart so he can call his wife to ask where the bananas are.

(b) The indecisive woman who pops up in every aisle.

(c) The little old lady at the checkout who can’t find her credit card.

What do you do?

ANSWER: Buy a six-pack of beer. You’ll need it.

QUESTION NO. 5

True or false: You are the best walker in the world because you never get in anyone’s way while shopping, sightseeing or even going to the refrigerator in your own home.

ANSWER: False. You’re as bad as all the others. And your shoe’s untied.

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima

"Between a Rock and a Good Place"

By Jerry Zezima

With apologies to Mick Jagger, my kidneys have produced more rolling stones than he’s ever had. That’s why I got satisfaction from a radiology report showing that my career as a rock star could mercifully be over.

On orders from my urologist, who must feel like a miner because he has excavated more than half a dozen stones from my kidneys over the years, I had to get X-rays to see if a suspected boulder was about to begin another excruciating rockslide.

To set up an appointment, I called a nearby radiology center and spoke with a very nice staffer named Anna.

“Have you been here before?” she asked pleasantly.

“I’ve been there so many times that I should have my own parking space,” I responded. “I’ve had X-rays, Y-rays, Z-rays, CAT scans, DOG scans, you name it, I’ve had it. I’m surprised I don’t glow in the dark.”

“You could save on your electric bill,” Anna suggested.

“It would help,” I said, “because otherwise, I’m not very bright.”

“What are you coming for this time?” Anna inquired.

“X-rays,” I answered. “My urologist wants to see if I have another kidney stone.”

“How many have you had?” Anna wanted to know.

“So many that I’ve had to number them like the Super Bowl,” I replied. “I’ve lost count, but I think I have had seven or eight.”

“I hear they’re pretty painful,” Anna said.

“When I had my first one, a nurse told me it was the male equivalent of childbirth,” I said. “I told her that at least I wouldn’t have to put the stone through college.”

“How were your kidney stones treated?” Anna asked.

“Not too well,” I said. “They didn’t treat me too well, so why should I be nice to them?”

“No, I mean, did you have surgery?” she wondered.

“Yes, a couple of times I needed the services of Roto-Rooter,” I said. “Some of the other stones were blasted to smithereens and one was like the old phrase: ‘This, too, shall pass.’ Fortunately, it did.”

When Anna asked for my insurance information, she couldn’t put it in the system.

“It’s slow today,” she explained. “So is my brain.”

“Mine is slow every day,” I said. “That is, when it’s working at all. If you took an X-ray of my head, there would be nothing there.”

When Anna finally got the system up and running, she said, “You’re all set. You have an appointment for 11 a.m. today. Good luck! I hope you don’t have any more kidney stones.”

“Me, too,” I said. “I don’t want to take another trip down the rocky road to recovery.”

I showed up at the appointed time and checked in at the front desk with Kristen, who asked why I was there. I told her I needed X-rays and gave her a quick history lesson about my kidney stones.

“Did you have surgery in the area?” Kristen asked.

“You mean at the hospital up the street?” I replied.

“No,” she said with a laugh, “I mean in that area of your body.”

“Yes,” I said. “Thankfully, I didn’t come out sounding like Frankie Valli.”

About five minutes later, a radiologist named Jennifer called me in to the X-ray room.

“Do I need to put on one of those silly paper gowns?” I asked.

“No,” said Jennifer.

“Not even a lead-lined apron?” I wondered.

“How could the X-rays penetrate it?” Jennifer said before going behind a wall and giving me the following instructions: “Deep breath. Exhale and hold it.” She asked me to repeat it. Then I was done.

“You’re good to go,” she said.

That afternoon, the results were in: “No abnormal masses or calcifications.”

In other words, no more stones.

Sorry, Mick Jagger. You’ll just have to rock and roll without me.

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima

"How to Pack for a Trip"

By Jerry Zezima

I’m a guy who likes to travel the world. Unfortunately, I can do so only if I sit in front of the TV and watch celebrities like Stanley Tucci eat and drink their way through Italy and other exotic lands while the most thrilling places I visit are Home Depot and Costco.

And they don’t even have postcards.

Still, I have been on enough car excursions, including a recent one to Vermont to attend a college reunion, to pass along my valuable tips on how to pack for a trip.

Tip No. 1: Have someplace to go.

I am often told where to go, but it’s hot enough here. That’s why it helps if you have an actual destination where you will spend at least one night. This means you will need a suitcase or a bag that must be filled with clothes, toiletries and other items, one of which — probably your toothbrush — you are required, by federal law, to forget.

Tip No. 2: Decide how long you want to be away.

It’s better to decide this for yourself instead of leaving it up to a judge, in which case you won’t have to pack at all.

At any rate, the longer you will be somewhere, the longer you will need to figure out how much to bring. This could entail stuffing practically your entire wardrobe into a suitcase heavy enough to make TSA agents suspect there is a dead body in there.

Tip No. 3: Check the weather.

This is the most important part of planning a trip because you need to know if it will be sunny, rainy, hot, cold or any combination of meteorological conditions. This means you may have to pack both shorts and jeans, T-shirts and sweats, skivvies and pajamas, bathing suits and parkas.

Oh, what the hell, just bring them all.

When my wife, Sue, and I went to Vermont, we checked the forecast and saw that we needed to prepare for practically every kind of weather. Even though we would be there for only a weekend, rain was in the forecast for the first day, with warm temperatures in the afternoon and chilly temps in the evening.

The second day was supposed to be hot, with storm clouds early and sunny skies later.

So we packed clothes for every occasion, including outfits for the alumni dinner. In my case, that meant bringing a sport jacket, a button-down shirt, khakis and nice shoes.

Sue had to bring a dress and nice shoes.

Other footwear included sneakers, slides, slippers and sandals, which had to go in separate bags.

Whenever Sue and I visit our older daughter and her family, who live 300 miles away, we stay for a week, which means we have to pack enough clothes to make it look like we are going on a world cruise.

“Maybe we can get our own travel show!” I told Sue the last time we went.

“Don’t forget your toothbrush,” she replied.

Tip No. 4: Bring extra underwear.

If you are old or you remember your mother’s admonition to wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident, you will understand.

Tip No. 5: Don’t throw your back out while loading the car.

This can easily happen while you are hoisting heavy suitcases and bags into the trunk or cargo area. Such an injury will make the drive excruciating and possibly lead to an accident, in which case your underwear won’t be clean.

Tip No. 6: Enjoy your vacation!

By day two, you won’t care what you are wearing and will long to get home, where it will take you approximately 12 minutes to unpack everything and sink into a chair with a cocktail.

It would also be nice if you got a postcard from Stanley Tucci.

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima