Thursday, February 26, 2015

"A Very Social Security Guard"

By Jerry Zezima
The Stamford Advocate
If the safety of other people depended upon me, a pretty frightening thought since I can’t even protect myself, I would be an insecurity guard, stationed at the front desk of a building that anybody could enter but nobody would want to because, of course, I’d be guarding the place.

That is not the case with Herbert “Doc” Koenig, a security guard in the building where I work. He don’t need no stinking badge (he has an ID card with a photo of his goateed visage and the word “Doc” under it) and he doesn’t carry a pistol, mainly because he is one. But he does have a rapier wit that could disarm the most suspicious intruder.

That, on most days, would be me.

“I’m not a real doctor,” Doc confessed during a midday break, “but I used to be an EMT in New York City and I delivered two of my kids, so people began calling me Doc.”

Then he began recalling some of his EMT adventures. The most memorable was the time he had to rescue an obese woman who got stuck in a bathtub.

“This lady was quite large,” Doc said. “The tub was drained and she couldn’t budge. There was this sucking sound as we pulled her out. I tried not to laugh. She was embarrassed, but she had a good sense of humor. She said, ‘At least I’m clean.’ ”

Then there was the time a young woman took her pants off on a busy Brooklyn street.

“She got hit by a car and her tibia was shattered,” Doc recalled, “so we put her on a stretcher. She was wearing designer jeans. I was going to cut them off, which was protocol. She said, ‘You’re not going to cut these. They’re Jordache jeans.’ She hopped up on one leg in the middle of Flatbush Avenue and took her pants off. She said, ‘I can wash out the blood, but I can’t sew my jeans back up.’ ”

The people who didn’t have a leg to stand on were some of the knuckleheads Doc met in New York Supreme Court in Manhattan, where he worked for 30 years, 23 as an arraignment sergeant.

“It’s the busiest criminal court in the world,” Doc said, “so you see some pretty crazy things.”

Like the drug defendant who showed up in a T-shirt emblazoned with the words “Wacky Weedies” and a picture of a stoner smoking a blunt, which is a cigar filled with marijuana.

“You can’t fix stupid,” Doc noted.

Judges didn’t always show good judgment, either.

“One of them berated a defendant,” Doc remembered. “The guy didn’t like what the judge said, so he threw a punch. The judge said, ‘Aren’t you going to protect me?’ I said, ‘If he hits you, it’s assault, right?’ Another time, a pro basketball player didn’t like what a judge said. A fight broke out and I ended up with a size 17 footprint on my leg.”

But for Doc’s money, the topper was the billionaire he was hired to protect.

“He was rich and nasty,” Doc said. “And he was working on his fourth wife. I can’t tell you who he is, but he’s a real piece of work. If I had his money, I’d be rich but not nasty.”

At 56, he’d also be retired, spending time with his wife, four children and two grandchildren.

“When the kids were growing up, I was the cool dad,” Doc said. “All their friends would come over because we always had a lot of fun at our house. We still do. Now I’m the cool granddad, too.”

Since Doc isn’t a billionaire, he’s working as a security guard, one of the friendly, dedicated people who protect the building where I work.

“You have to be nice,” Doc said when I asked what it takes to do his job, “but you also have to be vigilant. And you have to watch out for suspicious characters.”

“Like me?” I wondered.

“Sometimes,” Doc said, “I’ll let anybody in.”
Copyright 2015 by Jerry Zezima

Thursday, February 12, 2015

"Food for Thought"

By Jerry Zezima
The Stamford Advocate

According to an old saying, you are what you eat. Since I am full of baloney, I eat what I am.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what to eat these days especially bologna, which means I am out to lunch because I am on three different diets.

This has nothing to do with fat, which is all in my head. It stems from the fact that: (a) I have a history of kidney stones, (b) I have a history of high cholesterol and (c) I aced history in high school.

Naturally, all three diets contradict each other.

The first one, which was given to me by my urologist, is called the Low Oxalate Meal Plan. I had never heard of oxalates, but they sound like a species of cattle (“the male oxalate, which can weigh 1,500 pounds, is one of the dumbest animals on earth”) whose meat makes an excellent steak that I could wash down with beer.

Imagine my horror when I, a guy who loves beer so much that my blood would probably come out with a head on it, saw that I’m not supposed to drink it (beer, not blood, in which case I would be a vampire whose only meals are midnight snacks).

The first item in the “beverages and juices” part of the Low Oxalate Meal Plan, under the heading “avoid completely,” is: “Beer: draft, stout (Guinness), lager, pilsner.”

But when I looked over at the list of good beverages, I saw: “Beer, bottled.”

At that point I needed a beer, bottled, because I was on a diet that contradicted even itself. At least I could use it to wash down an oxalate steak because beef is among the meats that are OK to eat.

I could also have beef with red wine, which I am not surprised is on the good beverage list because I have long considered it over-the-counter heart medicine.

Speaking of which, my second diet is called the Heart Healthy Meal Plan and is designed to lower my cholesterol.

I got the diet from a nurse who took my blood pressure (she kindly gave it back) and measured my cholesterol during a wellness fair at work.

Before I was put on medication, my cholesterol levels rivaled the gross national product of Finland. Now, the nurse said, my good cholesterol is good (and very polite, I might add) and my bad cholesterol isn’t good but isn’t as bad as it used to be.

To make it better, I am supposed to follow the Heart Healthy Meal Plan, which contracts the Low Oxalate Meal Plan because on the former I can eat peanut butter but not beef and on the latter I can eat beef but not peanut butter.

On my third meal plan, the High Fiber Diet, which I got from a nurse in a hospital where I recently had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy at the same time, I can have beans, which I am not supposed to have on the Low Oxalate Meal Plan, and I can have beef, which I can’t have on the Heart Healthy Meal Plan.

I must admit that I am not a fan of vegetables, even though I am one, which makes it easy to ignore all three diets because I can have certain vegetables on one or more of them but not other veggies on one or more of either the same or opposing diets. So, to avoid confusion, as well as kidney stones, high cholesterol and a heart attack, I won’t eat them at all.

My favorite meal plan is the High Fiber Diet because it allows me to have any beverage I want. That goes for beer. Whether bottled or draft, stout (Guinness), lager and pilsner, I don’t know, but I am going to drink it anyway.

If you’re on a diet these days, it’s the only thing that makes any sense.
Copyright 2015 by Jerry Zezima