"Look Who's Walking"

By Jerry Zezima

I’m the very model of the modern marching man. And I am determined to put one foot in front of the other until I walk headlong into a wall.

But I can’t say the same for the vast majority of walkers who don’t seem to know where they are going, usually while wandering aimlessly in front of me.

That is why I think people should be given walker’s licenses after passing a rigorous test to determine if they are fit to navigate sidewalks, malls or supermarkets without creating a human traffic jam that frazzles nerves and ends up in a walk-by shouting.

Walker’s licenses would be like driver’s licenses and require applicants to enroll in a walker’s education class, where they would learn to move along without bumping into other walkers, cutting them off or stopping dead in their tracks, which could lead to a rear-end collision and higher insurance premiums.

I recently spent a week in New York City, proud home of the world’s worst walkers. The sidewalks and crosswalks teemed with exasperating pedestrians, some on their phones, others ambling three abreast so I couldn’t get around them without being flattened by Olympic wannabes rushing through in the opposite direction.

But this isn’t just a big-city problem. The suburbs are also plagued by people who don’t know how to keep moving without getting in your way.

Here, then, is a test to see if you qualify for a walker’s license, issued by the DMV (Department of Meandering Violations).

QUESTION NO. 1

You are pushing a baby stroller on a busy street and come to a crosswalk. Do you:

(a) Stay alert and stop until it is safe to cross.

(b) Wear headphones so you can’t hear car horns blasting as you saunter through the intersection.

(c) Push the stroller with one hand and text with the other as you veer into the roadway.

ANSWER: (a) You are entrusted with the care of an infant, you idiot! Watch where you’re going.

QUESTION NO. 2

You are in a mall looking for a fancy water bottle or a handbag you can’t afford. It is only natural to window shop, but walking etiquette says you should:

(a) Drift from left to right and back again so you can hold up shoppers who are there because their favorite store is running a sale.

(b) Be courteous and stay to the right while you slowly pass Victoria’s Secret and pretend not to notice the lingerie in the window.

(c) Be the first one on an escalator and stop at the bottom, causing a pileup.

ANSWER: (b) Opt for the nightgown.

QUESTION NO. 3

You are on a sidewalk in New York City and are stuck behind a mass of humanity. Do you:

(a) Use an app on your phone that sounds like a police siren.

(b) Attempt to pass on the right, which would be illegal if you were in a car, and risk getting knocked off the curb and run over by a bus.

(c) Try to push your way through without being trampled to death.

ANSWER: None of the above. Next time, take an Uber.

QUESTION NO. 4

While shopping in a supermarket, you encounter the following people:

(a) The oblivious guy who blocks the delicatessen with his cart so he can call his wife to ask where the bananas are.

(b) The indecisive woman who pops up in every aisle.

(c) The little old lady at the checkout who can’t find her credit card.

What do you do?

ANSWER: Buy a six-pack of beer. You’ll need it.

QUESTION NO. 5

True or false: You are the best walker in the world because you never get in anyone’s way while shopping, sightseeing or even going to the refrigerator in your own home.

ANSWER: False. You’re as bad as all the others. And your shoe’s untied.

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima