"Taken Aback"

By Jerry Zezima

No matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers.

But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That’s because we both threw our backs out.

I injured mine while cleaning the bathroom, which is what I get for trying to be helpful around the house.

The irony was not lost on Sue, who appreciated my effort (“you’re so delicate,” she said, “but you did a nice job”) and told me that the best thing for a bad back is exercise.

The irony was not lost on me because a week later, she hurt her back at the gym.

“You’re so delicate,” I said. “And exercise will only make it worse.”

The worst thing about having a bad back, aside from feeling like someone inserted a hot fireplace poker directly into your spine, is getting contradictory and generally useless advice from people who are a pain in the area south of your back.

They will tell you that the best way to feel better is (pick one) heat, cold, rest or, heaven help us, exercise.

I can say from personal experience that the best thing for a bad back is sitting in a comfortable chair with a heating pad and a beer. Just don’t spill the beer on the heating pad or you will get electrocuted. Then a bad back will be the least of your problems.

But for expert advice, I spoke with my mother, Rosina, a retired nurse who is 100 years old and still going strong.

“I’ve never had a bad back and I used to clean the bathroom all the time,” she said. “It was my daily exercise.”

Mom agreed with my theory about rest and beer but added, “If you rest too much, you become stiff. And if you have too much beer, you get fuzzy. Use the heating pad because heat is better than cold. I use a heating pad on my knees. If you have pain, it relaxes that area. But as you get older, your bones get a little brittle. If you’re going to clean the bathroom, you should get one of those long-handled brushes so you don’t have to bend down.”

As for Sue’s injury, Mom said, “Exercise can be good — to a point. Please tell Sue not to overdo it.”

When I hurt my back, I had a hard time getting dressed, putting on my socks and shoes or doing anything that involved movement. Fortunately, that didn’t include walking to the refrigerator for a beer.

After a week, the pain had worked itself out and my back felt better.

Then it was Sue’s turn. She felt so bad that she asked me to help her with her socks and shoes. She also used the heating pad. And she took me food shopping so I could push the cart, fill it with groceries and bag them at the register.

In the frozen-food aisle, where Sue was looking for ice cream, she said, “Turn around.”

I turned around and left the cart stationary.

A woman who was in the same aisle laughed.

“Now you know why I don’t take him shopping,” Sue told her.

At the register, the cashier, a young man, asked if I needed help bagging the groceries.

“Thanks, but I can do it myself,” I replied while holding a bag upside down.

Sue sighed. The kid smiled.

“My wife pulled a muscle,” I told him. “I have her back.”

After a week, her back felt better. Now she’s going to the gym again and, taking my mother’s advice, she’s not overdoing it.

Sue also bought some beer for the next time I clean the bathroom. It’s nice to know she’s still got my back.

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima