Friday, August 2, 2013

"The Prince and the Poppie"


By Jerry Zezima
The Stamford Advocate

Prince Charles
Clarence House
London SW1A 1BA
United Kingdom

Sir:

From one new grandpa to another, I am writing to congratulate you on the birth of your first grandchild. I know he is a prince of a boy because my granddaughter, who was born in March, is my little princess. I guess that makes us a couple of lucky guys who will always give our grandchildren, if you will pardon the expression, the royal treatment.

Despite our differences (you have a real job, whereas I am a public nuisance), we have much in common, even though I am a commoner who has very little common sense, which is commoner these days than you might think.

Anyway, my younger daughter and her husband (the proud new parents) were married in France the day after your older son and his wife (ditto) were married in England in 2011.

I wrote the duke and duchess a letter to congratulate them on their nuptials and to thank them for being the opening act for the wedding of the century, in which I was, of course, the father of the bride. I also noted that our happy couple had a second ceremony here in the United States, which was one more than the duke and duchess had, but who’s counting?

I received a lovely reply from Mrs. Claudia Holloway, who as you know is the head of correspondence for the royal family. She wrote on behalf of the duke and duchess to extend their thanks for my good wishes and their congratulations to their fellow newlyweds.

It showed the class for which your family (and everyone in mine except, unfortunately, yours truly) is known.

In that spirit, I will not get into one-upmanship by saying that in addition to having two weddings, my daughter had a baby before your daughter-in-law did. I will say, however, that they are wonderful young women (and their husbands are wonderful young men) and that their babies our grandchildren are beautiful.

Now here is the most amazing thing we have in common: Both babies were born at 4:24 p.m.

It seems like they were made for each other. This, I believe, is more than just a coincidence. There must be some cosmic or divine plan at work here. Since your grandson is a prince and my granddaughter is a princess, their lives seem destined to intertwine.

Could there be a wedding (or two) in our future?

You never know. But here at the Zezimanse, as we call our family home, we are very excited at the prospect.

First, though, your grandson will have to prove himself worthy of my granddaughter, which, considering his lineage, I have no doubt he will do.

When he gets a bit older, he will have to hold his bottle (ba-ba in baby talk) the proper way, with his pinkies up. And he will have to know which plastic fork to use when he begins eating solid food, which initially will consist of mashed peas and carrots. I hear they are better than a lot of British meals, but I don’t want to be a culinary critic.

I merely want to say that this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

I also want to say that we should enjoy being grandfathers. There is, as I am sure you have already found out, nothing like it. I’m also sure that you have pampered your grandson, though I don’t know if you have Pampered him. If not, you really should lend a hand. In fact, two hands. Just make sure you are not wearing white gloves.

Again, Charles, congratulations. Please give our best to your family. And let’s set up a play date.

Sincerely,
Jerry Zezima
Copyright 2013 by Jerry Zezima

10 comments:

Dave Astor said...

Another crowning achievement of a column, Jerry! The scenarios you hilariously describe might happen when Prince Charles becomes king, which will be in the year ... never! :-)

Suzette Standring said...

Loved this, and shared it on my FB page. I'm practicing my curtsey now.

thedangyankee.com said...

The prince will also have to learn the correct way to eat barbecued ribs. Tell Charlie to send him down South and we will teach him proper.

Cathy Turney said...

Jerry! True, Kate and William would make adorable in-laws. But then Chloe would have to deal with Camilla and (a very distant) Fergie. I'll keep you updated on whether or not to let Chloe marry into the "royal something" family. I know about these things. I read the National Enquirer.

FoxyRoxy said...

I think Poppie is a matchmaker.

Jerry Zezima said...

Thank you, Dave! You are a prince of a guy.

Jerry Zezima said...

Thanks, Suzette! I'm sure your curtsey is lovely. Or at least better than mine. I'd probably fall over and get -- you guessed it -- crowned.

Jerry Zezima said...

DangYankee, you not only could show Charlie how to eat barbecued ribs, but also, of course, Chuck steak.

Jerry Zezima said...

Cathy, I am relying on your expertise in these royal matters. So is Chloe. After all, we can't let just anybody into the family.

Jerry Zezima said...

I could be, Momz. But first, as I wrote, the little prince will have to prove himself good enough for my little princess. We'll see what happens.