"New Phone Hang-ups"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

If Alexander Graham Bell were still alive -- in which case I would demand reimbursement for all of the phone bills my daughters racked up when they were living at home -- he would call his assistant, Thomas Watson, to say, “Watson, come here, I need you to show me how to operate this stupid new telephone system.”

But instead of talking with Watson, Bell would hear this recording: “I’m sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and try again.”

So Bell would actually have to take a class to learn how to use his own invention.

That’s what I had to do recently when we got new phones at work.

It used to be that all you had to know about the telephone was that you said “hello” when you picked it up and “goodbye” when you put it down.

Now, you practically have to be a Ph.D (phone doctor) to operate one.

A few years ago, when I became the last man in America to get a cell phone, one of my daughters had to program it for me and the other had to show me how to operate it because I couldn’t comprehend the 134-page user guide.

But that was nothing compared to the new phone system in the office.

“I haven’t heard this much swearing in the seven years I’ve been here,” said Tommy, a contractor who was taking away the old phones, which were practically tin cans connected by strings compared to the new ones.

I wanted to say some bad words myself -- directly into the phone, if possible -- when I went to my training class and had to wait 20 minutes because the previous class, which was supposed to be 45 minutes, lasted more than an hour.

The people who walked out seemed dazed and confused. Nigel, the instructor, who had been giving classes all day, seemed tired. “Sorry,” he said as half a dozen of us sat down in front of the new phones, “but my voice is a little scratchy.”

“Sounds like a bad connection,” I noted.

Nigel, a very nice guy, smiled wearily. Then he explained that we would be working on a system called Cisco Unified IP Phone 7942G, as opposed to another system called Cisco Unified IP Phone 7962G.

“If the two systems got together,” I asked, “would they have a Cisco kid?” Then I sang a line from my own version of the War song: “Cisco kid’s not a friend of mine.”

As punishment, the phone in front of me refused to work.

“Press the help button,” Nigel said.

It was one of 16 buttons on the phone, which also had a screen on which I could not, regrettably, watch something intellectual, like baseball or the Three Stooges.

Other buttons included the footstand button (what, no handstand button?) and the mute button (for mimes, I guess). As if to reciprocate, the phone was pressing my buttons.

“The soft keys are where the action is,” Nigel said.

I pressed a soft key, the only thing about the phone that wasn’t hard, and heard a woman’s disembodied voice say, “Invalid entry.” I pressed another key. She said it again.

“Shut up!” I shouted.

“You have to speak into the phone,” said Nigel, who then had us practice calling each other. Daria, who sat next to me, called my number. I picked up the receiver and said, “I’m sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and try again.”

The rest of the class went pretty smoothly, thanks to Nigel’s patience and good humor. I wish I could say the same for the phones, which have been giving everybody trouble.

Fortunately, I didn’t have any trouble recording my voice mail greeting: “Hi, this is Jerry Zezima. I’m either away from my desk or at my desk but fast asleep. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you.”

Don’t bet on it. I am now in Alexander Graham Hell. Watson, come here, I need you.

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima

"Massage at the Garage"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

Early to rise and to the garage gets a man an oil change and a massage.

That new version of the old rhyme has been motoring through my mind since I found out firsthand (both hands, actually) that if your car needs work by a mechanic, your body might as well get a workout by a masseuse while you wait.

“It helps relieve stress when you get the bill,” explained Rich Heins, a service adviser at Mid-Island Hyundai in Centereach, N.Y. The dealership recently began giving free massages to customers who might stall, overheat or possibly even backfire as they contemplate the repairs being done on their vehicles.

“Are you going to put me on a lift?” I asked.

“No,” said Heins, “but we will put you in a massage chair.”

The stimulus program, he added, rubs customers the right way.

“And a lot of them could use it,” Heins said, noting that one guy needed repairs for a problem that could have gotten him rubbed out.

“He said that whenever his car went over a bump, it died,” Heins recalled. “So we looked at the car and found two bullet holes in it. One bullet hit the door handle and the other hit the harness and frayed the wiring, which caused the car to die whenever it went over a bump.”

“It’s a good thing the bullets didn’t cause the owner to die,” I said.

“I don’t know if he was in the car at the time of the shooting,” Heins continued, “but when I called and told him about the bullet holes, he said, ‘Oh, yeah, I know about them.’ Like it was an everyday occurrence.”

“Still,” I said, “that can make a guy tense. He must have needed a massage.”

“Do you have any bullet holes in your car?” Heins asked.

“No,” I replied. “But I need a massage anyway.”

I got one from Sarah Chen, a registered masseuse who was waiting for me in the lounge. I was her first customer of the day.

“You are going to enjoy this,” Sarah said.

She wasn’t kidding. After I had positioned myself so I was leaning forward in the massage chair, with my face sticking through a round opening in the headrest, Sarah began to work her magic on my neck, shoulders, arms and back. I was putty (and a fair amount of flab) in her hands.

She explained Chinese pressure points, which she knows all about, not only because she is a thorough professional, but because she is from China. She also is very nice.

“Am I hurting you?” she asked as she used her fingers, palms and elbows to loosen my muscles, which I keep in tiptop shape through a rigorous exercise program that generally involves walking to the refrigerator for beer.

“Mmmm,” I responded happily. “Not at all.”

“You’re very tight in the neck,” Sarah said.

“That’s because I’m a pain in the neck,” I explained.

Sarah then massaged my head, noting that I have hard hair and a soft skull.

“I always thought it was the other way around,” I said.

Speaking of my head, Sarah said that rubbing a pressure point on my left hand, next to the index finger, can stimulate my brain.

“If I’m feeling stupid, which happens every day, I can rub that spot and feel smarter?” I asked.

“Yes,” Sarah replied with a giggle.

The 20-minute session was one of the most sensational and sensuous experiences of my life. I felt great from my head to my toes, even though Sarah didn’t massage my feet. A good thing, too, because she probably would have passed out.

“Sarah was wonderful,” I told Heins when he gave me the bill, which came to $101 for an oil change, a state inspection, an air filter replacement and a left rear marker light replacement.

“I don’t feel any stress,” I said.

“That’s why we do this,” Heins said. “Bring your car in for regular maintenance. And get a massage every 3,000 miles.”

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima

"The Invisible Man"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

When it comes to dentistry, I know the drill: You sit in a chair, open wide and brace yourself as the tooth doctor tries to get to the root of the problem.

Fortunately, drilling hasn’t been needed to solve my current dental dilemma. But braces have been, although you won’t see them when I open wide to reveal the oral equivalent of Mammoth Cave because these braces are invisible.

For this painless treatment and the promise of a nicer smile, I have to thank Dr. Ben Murray, my orthodontic oracle, who recently graduated from the dental program at Stony Brook University on Long Island, N.Y.

In Murray’s three years as a resident at Stony Brook, I was one of his most challenging cases, even more challenging than the case of beer I am sure he needed (but would never actually consume) each time he saw me.

That’s because two of my teeth, one on the top and one on the bottom, have shifted, which is amazing since I can’t shift for myself. The one on top, a lateral incisor, has been especially troublesome because the other teeth have had to be moved back so there will be room to rotate the incisor to its original position, which is not shortstop but, if you are scoring at home, right field.

“It’s on the right side,” said Murray, who had to construct, attach and constantly adjust a separate set of braces. “This,” he explained, “will distalize the maxillary arch in the right buccal segment and correct the Class 2 malocclusion.”

He took the words right out of my mouth. At least he wore gloves.

In the year and a half since the braces were put on, Murray used wires, pins and screwdrivers but not, thank God, jackhammers or dynamite.

And none of it hurt a bit, thanks to the able assistance of able assistants Celeste DeGeorge and Grace Ratigan, who helped Murray work tooth and nail to straighten out the situation. I don’t think any of them broke a nail, but I did break a tooth when I got my invisible braces. They are different from the ones on top, a more traditional kind that are mostly hidden by my cheek.

The invisible braces, known by the brand name Invisalign, were not worn by Claude Rains, who played the Invisible Man, because they weren’t invented yet. They look like mouth guards used by football players. The difference is that they are clear, which makes them -- you guessed it -- invisible.

They are designed from impressions made of a patient’s teeth, so they fit snugly. Unfortunately, as I snapped on my first set, the crooked tooth on the bottom broke, so I had to go to my regular dentist, Dr. Salvatore Trentalancia, who has a practice in Stamford, to get the tooth bonded, James bonded.

“He did a fantastic job,” Murray said of Dr. T, who goes by that nickname because it is tough to say “Trentalancia” while your mouth is open wide. Dr. T got able assistance from assistant Jo-Ann Rachinsky and hygienist Amy Manzano.

During my final visit with Murray, a 2007 University of Connecticut graduate who landed a job with a practice north of Boston, he said he discussed my case with a class of dental students.

“It was very interesting to them,” Murray said.

“Maybe you’ll win the Nobel Prize,” I suggested.

“You never know,” replied Murray, adding that I have been “a very good patient” who has “taken our torture pretty well.”

It has hardly been torture, but it’s hardly over, either, because Murray left me in the capable hands of Dr. Michael Sheinis, a second-year resident who said, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Sheinis, a brave man to be taking on my case, will soon remove the traditional braces from my right upper teeth and replace them with Invisalign to match the invisible braces on the bottom. Both sets will cover all my teeth.

In less than a year, I’ll have a Hollywood smile. In the meantime, just call me the Invisible Man.

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima

"You Go, Grill"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

Now that it is barbecue season, I’d like to say that I am really cooking with gas. Unfortunately, that flammable substance not only is what my grilling usually produces in people, but it’s not the best thing to cook with if you want to be a barbecue champion.

I got this hot tip from Phil Rizzardi, a barbecue champion who has cooked at the American Royal Barbecue Competition in Kansas City, Mo., and the Jack Daniel’s World Barbecue Championships in Lynchburg, Tenn. He also has won barbecue contests in his home state of New York, including “Big Wiener” at Willie Palooza. His trophy is topped by the figure of the back end of a horse.

If that weren’t impressive enough, Rizzardi is the founder of BBQ Brethren (bbq-brethren.com), an international organization whose logo features the words “Brothers in Smoke.”

Because smoke gets in my eyes whenever I barbecue, with the result that I either overcook or undercook whatever I am cooking, and I end up getting cooked myself by washing it all down with beer, I invited Rizzardi over to my house for a private lesson.

“Wood chips are the way to go,” said Rizzardi, who brought his son, James, who at 15 is a wood chip off the old block.

Rizzardi also brought his grill, an old, rickety contraption on which marinated magic is made.

“Do you ever use this thing?” he asked when he opened my grill and saw that it was practically spotless.

“All the time,” I replied.

“Let me guess,” Rizzardi said. “You knew I was coming, so you cleaned it.”

“It was a little greasy,” I confessed.

“That’s OK,” Rizzardi said. “It’s a flavor enhancer.”

In barbecuing, grease is the word.

I told the champ about my first gas grill, which I had to assemble myself. “It took me a week,” I said. “And then there were parts left over. I figured I would blow myself to smithereens, so whenever my wife wanted me to barbecue something, I made her start the grill. I felt like a mob boss who makes his wife start his car.”

Eventually we got another grill, which came preassembled, but the ignitor conked out, so I had to turn on the gas and throw matches at the thing until I heard a big whoosh. Our present grill is the starship Enterprise by comparison.

“A little kettle like mine may not look impressive, but it’s better and it lasts longer,” said Rizzardi, who uses it when he gives barbecue classes (bbq101-li.com).

“A lot of guys need classes,” Rizzardi said. “At a typical barbecue, a wife will marinate a steak, make potato salad and set the table. Then she’ll hand her husband the steak and tell him to hurry up and grill it. The steak will end up charred on the outside and raw on the inside, and the family will say, ‘Great job, Dad. Call 911.’ The poor guy doesn’t know what he did wrong.”

To do the job right, said Rizzardi, a barbecuer needs a good meat thermometer that measures the temperature instantly so heat doesn’t escape.

Also imperative is a chimney, a cylindrical metal holder in which to heat the wood chips. “You can put paper at the bottom to get them going,” Rizzardi said. Copies of this column would work nicely.

“Never use lighter fluid,” warned Rizzardi. “Don’t put meat directly on the flame. And don’t keep opening and closing the lid. If you’re looking, you ain’t cooking.”

Rizzardi, 50, a technology analyst whose biggest barbecue payday was $3,000 (grand champions in national competitions can win up to $15,000), brought two hanger steaks, one to cook on his grill, the other to cook on mine. To help me along, he made a “smoke bomb,” a handful of wood chips that he wrapped in foil, which he then perforated and placed in the corner of my grill. “It’ll help give the steak a smoky flavor even though you’re cooking it with gas,” he said.

When the steaks were done, we had a blind taste test. It was no contest. “Phil’s steak is much better than yours,” said my wife, Sue. I had to agree.

“Next time you want me to barbecue,” I suggested, “I’ll invite him back.”

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima

"Lizzie"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

There is an old and wise saying: The best things in life are free. Nothing epitomized that better than my dog, Lizzie. She cost nothing, but she was priceless.

She came into our lives in 1995, when my younger daughter, Lauren, who was then 12, brought home a little black and white puppy that a friend’s neighbor had given to her. The woman told Lauren that if we didn’t want the dog, she would take her back. Otherwise, she was ours.

Even though I love dogs, I was against the idea because we lived in a condo. Besides, the dog would have to be walked through rain, sleet, snow and gloom of night. Guess who would end up doing it.

Approximately five seconds after I saw the pup, I fell in love with her. We fed her, took her to the vet for an exam, and adopted her.

Two weeks later, the woman called to say she wanted the dog back. Lauren was in tears. I got on the phone. Words were exchanged. Threats were made. A custody battle ensued.

Finally, in an effort to be fair, and mature, and reasonable, I told the woman I had veto power.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“If you don’t let us keep the dog,” I replied very calmly, “I am going to call my Uncle Vito.”

And that is how Lizzie became a cherished member of our family.

Nobody knew what breed Lizzie was -- the vet wasn’t sure and the dog wasn’t telling -- but we thought she was a mix of Lab, border collie and terrier, with perhaps a little Italian from her adoptive mommy and daddy’s sides.

What was clear, however, was that Lizzie had a prodigious appetite for lint, grass, acorns, cat treats -- everything but dog food. She ended up on a special diet consisting almost exclusively of boiled chicken.

She loved her snacks, of course, which is why she grew into a full-figured gal.

Eventually, we moved from the condo to a house with a big backyard where she could run and play, though I still took her for walks. She quickly became the mayor of our neighborhood, greeting people with big, slobbering kisses.

She was, in fact, the kissingest dog I ever knew, even winning the Pooch Who Can Smooch contest at Puttin’ on the Dog, the annual fundraiser for Adopt-a-Dog in Greenwich.

Lizzie, whose tail was always wagging, was both a canine alarm system (she barked at leaves that blew past the front door) and the burglar’s helper: If anyone ever broke into our house, she would either drown him in kisses or help him carry out all our valuables.

She was the sweetest creature God ever made.

She also was half of an inseparable team whose two goals in life were to love each other and have fun. As the other half of that team, I can say we accomplished both in Lizzie & Daddy’s Excellent Adventures, which were documented in numerous columns that ran in newspapers across the country and around the world. Lizzie also is in my new book, “Leave It to Boomer.” She’s even on YouTube. Lizzie became a global celebrity, but she never let fame go to her pretty head.

There was the time I had to brush her teeth. (Her breath sometimes smelled like a bean supper with the windows closed.) And the time, after reading about Sonya Fitzpatrick, TV’s “Pet Psychic,” I tried to determine if Lizzie had extrasensory powers. (My wife thought I was “The Pet Psycho.”) And the time Lizzie actually beat me in a blackjack tournament. (I’m not playing with a full deck.) And the time I took her to New York City to meet Lassie. (The canine superstars got along famously.)

Needless to say, Lizzie was smart. I would have to spell out certain words, such as “car,” “walk” and “play,” because if I was talking to somebody else and Lizzie was within earshot, pronouncing them would set her off in a frenzy of excitement.

And she was tough. She twice tore an ACL, and both times, without surgery, she was back in playing shape in no time. Not like these rich, pampered professional athletes. Wimps.

Even when she died Monday, she showed a special grace.

But what Lizzie did better than anything was give unconditional love to Lauren; to my older daughter, Katie; to my wife, Sue, also known as Mommy; and especially to Daddy.

Yes, it’s true that the best things in life are free. Even if Lizzie had cost a fortune, she would have been worth it. She was the absolute best.

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima

"Stupid Crook Tricks"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

Time now for another exciting episode of Stupid Crook Tricks, the hard-hitting series that presents actual cases of bumbling incompetence by some of the most inept criminal masterminds in America.

All of these stories are true. The names have been eliminated to protect the dumb, de-dumb-dumb, dumb, de-dumb-dumb-duuuumb.

I am especially proud of the current crop of crooks because they are essentially hometown boys gone bad.

I realized there might be a local connection when I read a recent story in The Stamford Advocate about a couple of idiots who called a bank in Fairfield to say that they were coming to rob the place.

Noelle Frampton of the Connecticut Post reported that the dimwitted duo asked for a bag containing $100,000 in large bills. Naturally, bank officials alerted the cops, who were waiting for the pathetic pair and arrested them when they showed up to collect the loot.

“I would classify these individuals as not too bright,” said Sgt. James Perez, Fairfield police spokesman. “They should have spent time in school instead of trying to rob a bank.”

This got me wondering whether stupid crooks have ever struck my hometown of Stamford. To find out, I called two sources in the Stamford Police Department whose identities I cannot reveal except to say that they are Assistant Chief Jon Fontneau, a former neighbor of mine, and Capt. Richard Conklin, both of whom have been on the force for nearly 30 years and have pretty much seen it all.

Fontneau, who was commander of the narcotics and organized crime unit before being promoted to assistant chief earlier this year, recalled one young man who not only had a long rap sheet for dealing dope but was, of course, a dope himself.

“We were on Stillwater Avenue looking for guys with warrants,” Fontneau said. “Even though we were in an unmarked car, the vehicle was like a heat-seeking missile because it was well known to just about everybody who’s a bad guy. Not only that, but we were wearing jackets that said ‘POLICE’ in large letters on the sleeves and on the front and back. This kid waved us down, jumped in the backseat and asked if we wanted to buy drugs. Then he said, ‘Hey, you guys look like cops!’ Maybe it was the police raid jackets that tipped him off.”

Then there was the marijuana moron who tried to hide his stash under a rock in front of police headquarters.

“It was on Stamford Historical Society property,” Fontneau remembered. “A couple of society employees saw this guy, who was on his way to the courthouse for a drug case, put something under a rock. They went outside, lifted the rock, found marijuana and called us. The irony is that the narcotics unit overlooks the property. Sgt. Chris Gioielli went out and put a note under the rock saying, ‘You are under arrest. Look up at the police station.’ We watched the kid come back and lift the rock. He looked perplexed. He read the note and looked up at the department. Two officers exited headquarters, walked over and arrested him.

“His father was aghast,” Fontneau continued. “He claimed police planted the drugs. He said, ‘I know my son has done some bad things, but I didn’t raise him to be this dumb.’ You can’t make this stuff up.”

Conklin didn’t make up the story of the bumbling burglar who lost his case because he tried to drink it.

“He broke into a home, looked around and found the liquor cabinet,” Conklin recalled. “So he started to imbibe. Eventually, he passed out. The owners of the house came home, saw the place had been broken into and heard this guy snoring loudly. It was a very easy case to solve.”

Both Conklin and Fontneau had other stories that will have to wait until the next exciting episode of Stupid Crook Tricks.

“We always say thank goodness for stupid crooks,” Conklin said. “They make our jobs a lot easier.”

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima

"The Dog Listener"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

I may be an expert in animal husbandry because I am a husband with a lot of animals, but I am going to the dogs. That’s because my wife, Sue, thinks our dog, Lizzie, is a better listener than I am.

I thought I heard Sue say so after I read about an Associated Press-Petside.com poll in which a third of married women said their pets are better listeners than their husbands.

Most of those women said that dogs listen better than cats (we have three cats and they’re even denser than I am), but the wives added that both animal species are preferable to men when it comes to paying attention to whatever it is that wives are saying.

I told Sue that the poll was unfair because Lizzie’s ears are longer than mine, but Sue didn’t want to hear it. So I called my neighbor Alan Christiansen, aka the Dog Listener, for a consultation.

Alan is a professional dog trainer and the owner of Dog Gone Good (nydogtrainer.com), a Long Island-based company that caters to canines. Even though Alan is not a doctor, he makes house calls so he can teach basic obedience to a clueless man’s best friend.

“Men don’t have a habit of listening,” Alan said during a recent visit. “Dogs do.” Lizzie, who was listening to every word, kissed Alan.

“Lizzie used to be a better listener,” Sue said, “but she’s old now and I think she’s getting a little deaf.” Lizzie, who will be 15 in July, ignored the remark.

“Dogs tend to take on the traits of their owners,” Alan said, “so maybe she’s taking after Jerry.”

“That could explain it,” Sue noted.

“What?” I said.

Alan, who is 64, first made a connection with dogs when he was a boy.

“I was one of six children and my mom would save everything,” he recalled. “She even saved the grease from cooking and used it to make soap for the laundry. Little did I know that my clothes smelled like hamburgers. All the dogs in the neighborhood would follow me. They must have been thinking, ‘This guy smells great!’ I just thought they liked me because I was a nice kid.”

Alan has had many dogs, as both pets and clients, ever since.

“One of my customers was a lady who had a French poodle,” Alan said. “She wanted to know if she should speak French to the dog.”

“I speak French to Lizzie,” I told Alan. “When she’s standing by the door, I ask her if she has to go oui oui.”

Another customer used to fly her dog in a private jet and wanted to know where on the plane would be the best place for the pooch to sleep.

“I told her anyplace but the cockpit,” Alan said.

“Lizzie sleeps in the backseat when I drive her in the C-A-R,” I said, adding that I couldn’t pronounce the word without setting off Lizzie in a frenzy of excitement.

“Maybe I could teach her how to spell,” Alan offered.

I politely declined.

Alan doesn’t have a dog now, but he and his wife, Phyllis, often baby-sit for Franklin, their son’s miniature long-haired dachshund.

“He drinks only Poland Spring water,” Alan said. “If we give him any other kind, he’ll turn up his nose.”

“Franklin is a classy guy,” said Phyllis, who calls herself the Dog Rescuer because she rounds up all the dogs that neighborhood kids let loose. Then she returns them. “They come to me,” Phyllis said. “And they listen better than Alan.”

“Do you think dogs are better listeners than husbands?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” Phyllis answered. “But after 27 years, you learn to live with it.”

“Otherwise,” Alan said, “I’d really be in the doghouse.”

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima