"Loan Offers Are in Vein"

By Jerry Zezima

I used to think all the scammers who called to say I was approved for a loan I never asked for were bloodsuckers.

Now I know that one of them is a blood donor.

A snarky guy named “Mike C.” said he was willing to give me a transfusion if I would give him personal information so he could, presumably, drain all the money in my bank account.

Mike is one of the countless irritating people who have bombarded me with calls to make me an offer I can’t (but always do) refuse.

Their pitch, low and outside, typically goes like this:

“I’m calling about your request for a personal loan. We may be able to offer up to $40,000 at an estimated 5.49% rate with payments around $654 a month.”

My wife, Sue, the family banker, also gets these calls. I asked her if we needed a loan.

“No,” she answered. “It’s a scam.”

“Are you sure?” I said naively. “These callers seem very concerned about us.”

“They want to take advantage of us because we’re senior citizens,” Sue said.

“One of them said we need a hardship loan,” I told her.

“Hang up on them,” she said.

I can’t because the calls aren’t made by real people; they’re recordings from “loan specialists” named Daniella Foster, Carmen Torres, Charles Freedman, Steve Garner, Sophia Perez, Kayla Davis, Blake Armstrong, Lauren Pierce, Anthony Kirk and, of course, Mike C.

If I don’t pick up and press 2 to speak with a representative, they leave voicemails.

“Block the calls,” Sue suggested.

I’ve tried, but to no avail. The calls keep coming in from different numbers. There must be even more phone numbers than the many thousands of dollars these scammers want to loan me.

Because my time is not valuable, which negates the need for a loan, and I had nothing better to do, which is the main reason for being a columnist, I decided to call several of the callers back.

One of them was Charles Freedman, who did not sound like a real person.

“Are you AI?” I asked.

“I understand why you might ask,” Charles said in a clipped monotone.

“I was born with artificial intelligence,” I informed him. “Why did you call me?”

“Thank you for asking,” said Charles. “You have been pre-selected for our debt-relief option, which will put more money in your pocket.”

“It would only weigh down my pants,” I said.

After Charles droned on about needing my personal information, I figured there was no point in making wisecracks to a robot, so I hung up.

Next I spoke with Alice, a real person.

“What’s your last name, Alice?” I inquired.

She hung up.

So did Karen, another human who would not tell me her last name.

Anthony was more forthcoming.

“What’s your last name, Anthony?” I asked.

“Kirk,” he answered. “I’m an underwriter.”

“I’m an overwriter,” I said. “Why do you want to give me a loan I didn’t apply for?”

“Maybe you’re behind on payments,” Anthony said. “We have over 20 financial entities. It’s hard to know which company provided your information.”

“For your information,” I said, “I’m not interested.”

Anthony hung up.

Last but not least was Mike.

“What’s your last name?” I asked.

“Why do you want to know?’ he countered.

“I’m a busybody,” I said.

“I’ll give you the initial,” said Mike. “It’s C.”

“What’s it stand for?” I asked.

“Do you want to know my blood type, too?” Mike C. said sarcastically.

“Why not?” I chirped. “I might need a transfusion. Would you give me one?”

“Sure, if you give me your personal information,” he said.

“I’ll give you my blood type,” I told him.

Mike C. hung up.

Sue was greatly amused.

“I was right on the money,” I said proudly, “And I bet I made his blood boil.”

Copyright 2026 by Jerry Zezima