"Water Bottles Everywhere"

By Jerry Zezima

It’s a good thing 70 percent of Earth’s surface is covered by water (the other 30 percent is covered by asphalt and bird droppings) because otherwise I don’t know how I would ever fill my new water bottle.

Thanks to my younger daughter, who gifted me with the 40-ounce stainless steel container, in a beautiful metallic blue, I have officially become the last person in the United States to have a water bottle.

That includes children, some of whom, like my grandkids, aren’t appreciably larger than their water bottles.

It also includes my younger daughter, who has a whole collection of water bottles in many different designs and colors and for all occasions, including holidays.

I am grateful for my water bottle because I have a history of kidney stones and need to stay well-hydrated so I don’t develop more of the agonizing calcium deposits, most of which have not followed the old proverb “This, too, shall pass” and had to be blasted to powder by death rays from outer space.

On the other hand, I am a geezer who is going from bladder to worse. Faithfully drinking from my water bottle will make me seem like Old Faithful and cause me to run to the bathroom so often that I could qualify for the National Senior Games in track and field.

I’d be going for the gold, if you know what I mean.

My wife, Sue, has two water bottles and drinks so much water that she may soon sprout gills. Nonetheless, she told me, “If you drink too much water, it washes out your electrolytes.”

According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Electrolytes are substances that have a positive or negative electrical charge when dissolved in water.”

Great, now I can be electrocuted for trying to keep hydrated. At least it would be quicker than drowning. And less painful than kidney stones.

The U.S. government, which is all wet anyway, says the human body is typically composed of 60 percent water but that the figure can rise to 75 percent, depending on factors such as age, gender and, I would guess, water bottles.

My bottle will help me keep good muscle tone. When filled with water, and considering it is made of metal, it weighs about as much as a barbell, an exercise in irony since it would be lifted by a dumbbell.

Alexa Castrova, the extremely nice manager of the gym where I go to drink water, told me that almost all of the establishment’s members have bottles when they are on treadmills, stationary bikes or elliptical machines.

A quick scan of the sweaty exercisers, done as I was holding my water bottle, confirmed this.

“I try to drink four 40-ounce bottles of water a day,” Alexa said.

“That’s 160 ounces of water,” I said, doing the math in my waterlogged brain.

“That’s right,” she said. “If you see my water bottle, I won’t be far behind.”

Alexa also said that there are even 60-ounce water bottles on the market.

“They’re so big that they don’t fit in cup holders,” she said. “That’s why you can get 3D printed cup holders for cars. Everyone’s cup size is getting customized.”

“I’ve heard of drinking and driving, but this is ridiculous,” I said.

I also pointed out that medical science used to say that people should drink eight glasses of water a day.

“Now it’s considered too much,” I said. “You don’t know what to believe anymore. I guess the findings didn’t hold water.”

When I got home, Sue told me to wash out my water bottle.

“With what?” I asked.

“Water,” she said.

“There’s water in it now,” I countered.

“Dump it and wash out the bottle,” Sue said.

“It’s bad enough that it comes with an instruction manual. But this,” I said, taking one final sip, “is the last straw.”

Copyright 2026 by Jerry Zezima