"Let's Get Elliptical"

By Jerry Zezima

According to an old saying, which must have been said by somebody old, muscles have memory. I forget who said it because my muscles are soaking in milk of amnesia.

Still, I thought I was the oldest member of my gym until I met a guy who was born during the Roosevelt administration (Franklin, not Teddy) and won’t let my muscles forget it.

At almost 82, Atilla Gerpanur is a decade older than I am, but his muscles are in better shape because he belongs to two gyms, used to go to at least one of them every day and now goes five days a week.

I belong to one gym, have never gone every day and now go five days a month.

“You have to put in the time if you want to stay healthy,” said Atilla, who had just finished his rigorous routine of two and a half hours, including 35 minutes on a stationary bike, half an hour on a treadmill, one hour lifting weights and 25 minutes on an elliptical bike.

“If I put in that much time, I’d have to call 911,” I said after finishing my routine, which added up to a mere 15 minutes on a treadmill and 25 minutes on a stationary bike.

“You’re a baby,” Atilla said when I told him I’m 72. “And you look great. But you can do better than that.”

“What’s your secret?” I asked.

“I don’t drink or smoke,” he replied.

“That’s a little extreme,” I said.

“But,” added Atilla, “I like to eat. That’s why I come here.”

“Is your wife a member?” I wondered.

“No, she doesn’t go to the gym,” Atilla said, adding that his wife is 69.

“You robbed the cradle,” I noted. “My wife is my age, but she goes to the gym twice a day.”

“She’s showing you up,” said Atilla. “You have to get on the stick.”

“Is that next to the treadmill?” I said.

After Atilla left, probably to go to his second gym, I saw another senior member, Bob Smosky, who’s 80, lives in my neighborhood and admitted that he ran into the back of a bus one summer day while he was riding his bike.

“I heard about you from Arnie the mailman,” I told him.

“Yeah, that was me,” said Bob. “Sometimes I just don’t pay attention.”

“You can’t do that in here because the bikes are stationary,” I pointed out.

“And there are no buses,” said Bob, a retired schoolteacher who had just done half an hour on an elliptical bike. “It’s too cold to ride outside,” added Bob, who’s fit and trim. “That’s why I’m here.”

Another retired teacher, Joe D’Iorio, goes to the gym for a reason that’s close to his heart.

“I had triple bypass surgery last August,” he said. “After 12 weeks of cardio rehab, I started coming here. Now I go five times a week.”

Joe, 71, has a side gig that’s also good for the heart.

“I buy and sell wine,” he said.

“Red wine is over-the-counter heart medicine,” I said.

“Except you can’t drink it here,” said Joe, who told me his routine: “I do a five-minute warmup on a treadmill at 2.5 miles per hour and 1% elevation, then 15 minutes at 3.7 miles per hour and 3% elevation. After that, I ride an elliptical bike for 15 minutes at level 5. And I finish up with a five-minute cool-down.”

“I’m exhausted just listening to you,” I said.

“I also do tai chi for seniors,” said Joe. “I have a bad back.”

“How’d you get that?” I asked.

“Lifting cases of wine,” he said. “My chiropractor said seven ounces of red wine relaxes the muscles.”

“I’m going home for a glass right now,” I said. “It will give my muscles something to remember.”

Copyright 2026 by Jerry Zezima