"Going, Going, Not Yet Gone"

By Jerry Zezima

I would say that my wife and I have an open door policy in our house, but it takes us so long to leave the premises that we have to close the door or flies will get in.

No matter where we are going, either together or separately, we need a list of things to remember or it will take us more time to go out than it will to come back.

Here is the list Sue and I follow whenever one of us is about to go to the store, go to the gym or just go crazy.

BATHROOM

It is no coincidence that this is No. 1.

You’d think it wouldn’t be an issue to anyone except a child, who must constantly be asked if he or she has to go before leaving the house, but when you get to be a certain age (old), you become like a kid again.

That’s when you start wondering if the place where you are going has a public restroom.

Sometimes Sue or I will come back home if we have more than one place to go because we couldn’t hold it if our errands entailed multiple stops.

Me: You’re back already?

Sue: I have to go to the bathroom.

Me: You went before you left.

Sue: I had three cups of coffee. And I have two more stops to make.

At this stage of life, you find yourself going from bladder to worse.

PHONE

This is what delays departures more than anything else, including the call of nature.

It happens in one of two ways:

1) You are asked by your beloved where her phone is, to which you respond, “I don’t know.” Then an all-out search ensues. It culminates when you call her number and the phone rings in: (a) another room, (b) the chair in front of the TV or (c) her pocketbook.

2) Your beloved exits the house, walks to the car, opens the door, gets in, closes the door, opens it again, gets out and comes back inside to announce: “I forgot my phone.”

Very often, you have to go through the first scenario again.

If you plan to go out, you will receive a call from the person who previously forgot her phone to ask if you can pick up a bottle of wine or go to the post office.

On the way out, you realize you left your phone on the kitchen counter.

KEYS

“Do you have your keys?” I ask Sue every day as she is about to leave for the gym.

“If I didn’t have them, I couldn’t start the car,” she invariably responds.

The problem is deciding where she will put them while she is on the treadmill. This takes some time to figure out — her leggings don’t have pockets — and leads to the following related delay.

CLOTHING

Depending on the weather forecast, it will be hard to decide what to wear. This is where I waste more time than Sue because, if it’s raining, I’ll have to look in the closet for a windbreaker or, if it’s cold, a fleece.

Sue does the same thing, but she will think more in terms of style.

“I don’t want to go out looking like I just rolled out of bed,” she will say.

“You’re going to the gym,” I will helpfully point out.

“I may go to the store afterward,” she’ll reply.

“Do you have your phone?”

“Goodbye, dear.”

SHOPPING LIST

If you’re going to the store, you need to know what to buy. That’s why, like the phone, the list is frequently forgotten and must be retrieved so the person who plans to go out can actually leave.

Before you do, however, it’s a good idea to go to the bathroom.

Copyright 2025 by Jerry Zezima