"Some People Have All the Luck"

By Jerry Zezima

I’m lucky I haven’t won Mega Millions, Powerball or even Lucky 7s. If I did, I’d keel over from shock and never cash in.

That is why I’m also lucky to have received a boxful of fun and intriguing items from Luck Shop, a business specializing in the kind of fabulous merchandise that promises riches, love and other good things for people lucky enough not to drop dead upon learning they have hit the jackpot.

That merchandise, which can be found at luckshop.com, includes rabbit’s feet, mojo bags, candles, lamps, oils, powders, perfumes, soap, incense, necklaces and coins, all guaranteed to ward off evil and other nettlesome problems.

It was, of course, sheer luck that I stumbled upon a magazine ad for the Chicago-based company. Hoping to ward off evil, or at least car trouble, I called Luck Shop’s owner, Ted Paspalas, a personable guy who is surrounded by stuff that could make him rich.

“Have you ever won Powerball?” I asked.

“If I did,” Ted replied, “I wouldn’t be sitting here talking with you. I’d buy a ticket to a Caribbean island. In fact, I don’t even play the lottery.”

“I do once in a while,” I said. “But even if I won and lived to collect, all that money would only weigh down my pants and put me in a higher tax bracket.”

Ted knows all about taxes because, in addition to being a successful entrepreneur, he’s a certified public accountant.

“As a mathematician at heart, I know the odds are stacked against you,” he said. “But if you believe that a coin or a rabbit’s foot will bring you luck, more power to you. And sometimes it does work out.”

That is evidenced by the many glowing testimonials Ted has received from satisfied customers.

Here are just three of them.

Tamika: “The Genie Lamp gave my enemies revenge for what they did to me and it also brought me good luck! I won $75 on Tuesday and $4,577 on Wednesday! THANK YOU!”

Laura: “My mom tried your Send Back Evil Powder two days ago. She applied the powder on the back of her neck and her stiff neck pain disappeared immediately!”

Cloretha: “I’ve been having the best days of my life thanks to you guys and these wonderful products. I wish I had known about you guys before my boyfriend got incarcerated.”

“We get tons of unsolicited testimonials,” said Ted, who is 61 and whose grandfather started the family business.

“I can see why,” I said. “What’s your favorite product?”

“The Genie Wishing Lamp,” Ted replied.

“Does Barbara Eden pop out?” I wondered.

“No,” said Ted. “I think she’s retired.”

“I noticed the Lucky Mojo Coin in the magazine ad,” I said. “It might help me strike it rich in Powerball.”

“If you win, I’m going to advertise you all over the world,” Ted promised. “You’ll be my best testimonial.”

A week later, a small box arrived in the mail from Luck Shop. The box contained a Lucky Mojo Coin, a bottle of Extra Strong Fast Luck Blessed Oil, a Blessed Gold Rabbit’s Foot, a Rose Quartz Stone, a bottle of Spirit Blessed Oil, a Spiritual and Body Cleansing Bag, a package of Fast Money Bath Salt and a bar of Reversible Turn Back Evil Soap.

“We’re in the money now!” I told my wife, Sue. “Let’s buy lottery tickets!”

I put the Lucky Mojo Coin in my pocket and drove with Sue to a nearby store, where I purchased a ticket for Mega Millions, which was being drawn that night, and a ticket for Powerball, which was being drawn the following night.

“And get a Lucky 7 scratch-off ticket,” said Sue, who waited in the car.

When I came back out, Sue used a dime to scratch off her Lucky 7 ticket.

“Nothing,” she sighed.

Not one number came up in Mega Millions, either. Nor in Powerball.

“So much for your good-luck charms,” Sue said.

“On the contrary, I’m a lucky man,” I declared. “At least I didn’t drop dead.”

Copyright 2023 by Jerry Zezima