"Coming Clean About Vacuums"

By Jerry Zezima

I am not the kind of guy to sweep things under the rug. For one thing, my wife would lower the broom on me if I did. For another, we don’t have too many rugs for me to sweep things under.

But it doesn’t matter because I bought a new, lightweight, cordless vacuum cleaner that will help me avoid the toil and trouble caused by our old, bulky, asthmatic and, let’s face it, sadistic machine.

Not only did I frequently run over my foot while trying to maneuver the maddening contraption around tables and chairs, I nearly ruptured a vital organ while lugging it up to the second floor. And on several frightening occasions, I almost tripped on the cord, fell down the stairs and, yes, got swept under the rug.

The new vacuum is a breeze. I got sucked into buying it as a gift for Sue.

Originally she asked me for a Dustbuster, which would have been great for inhaling the popcorn I often drop in and around my not-so-easy chair, but our daughter suggested I get Sue a new vacuum instead.

Ever the romantic, I spared no expense (it was expensive) and bought it.

The machine is ostensibly for Sue, but it’s really for me because vacuuming is one of the things I do to “help” around the house.

My job is now much easier because we have a new vinyl floor in the upstairs hallway, which previously was covered by an old, worn-out carpet that looked like it had been trampled by a herd of cattle.

And the stairs, which also had faded carpeting that I had to risk hospitalization to vacuum, are now bare and natural.

The work was done beautifully by our terrific contractor, Anthony Amini, owner of Performance Contracting and Management, and his talented assistant, Carlos Garcia.

“Vinyl flooring is the way to go,” said Anthony, who had previously installed it in the kitchen, dining room, family room and living room.

“Is that your vinyl answer?” I asked.

“You’ll be floored to hear this,” Anthony replied, “but yes.”

“Are oak stairs a step up?” I wondered.

“They’ll go down as a big improvement,” Anthony said. “And they won’t kill you because you don’t have to vacuum them.”

“I can’t tell you the number of times I almost took a tumble with our old machine,” I said. “The cord would get wrapped around my ankles like a boa constrictor and I could feel myself falling backward.”

“I think the vacuum cleaner was out to get you,” Anthony suggested. “The new one should be much safer.”

“Do you have vinyl floors in your house?” I asked.

“Yes,” Anthony said. “They’re easy to keep clean. Dirt gets embedded in rugs and carpets.”

“Is that the dirt on housekeeping?” I wondered.

“I’ll come clean and say it is,” Anthony responded.

When he and Carlos left after finishing the four-day job, I got out my trusty new machine and vacuumed the downstairs hallway, effortlessly going over both the vinyl flooring and the narrow rug. I did the same in the upstairs hallway.

With the antiquated apparatus, I had to bend over to adjust the height for bare floors after vacuuming a rug or a carpet. Now it’s so easy — no adjustment, no hernia, no problem — that even a geezer like me can keep the floors clean.

All you have to do is shell out big bucks to buy your wife a brand-new vacuum cleaner that you are going to use anyway. And you don’t even have to sweep your money under the rug.

Copyright 2023 by Jerry Zezima