Friday, November 11, 2011

"Royal Response"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

On behalf of Prince William, an heir to the throne of the House of Windsor, which is in Buckingham Palace, and myself, an heir to the throne of the House of Zezima, which is in an upstairs bathroom, I am happy to announce that the centuries-old feud between our two families is finally over.

It was all a misunderstanding, as I explained in a letter I wrote earlier this year to William and his lovely bride, Kate, who were married in England the day before my younger daughter, Lauren, and her handsome groom, Guillaume, were married in France.

The letter read, in part, as follows:

“Dear William and Kate:

“I am writing somewhat belatedly to congratulate the two of you on your nuptials and to welcome you back from your honeymoon in the Seychelles....

“You must know that the Zezimas and the Windsors have had a chilly relationship since the Revolution, when an ancestor of mine, John Quincy Zezima, a columnist for the Colonial Advocate, wrote an investigative piece exposing King George’s war plans, thus leading to the Empire’s defeat.

“The fact that my parents were not invited to the coronation of Queen Elizabeth or that my wife, Sue, and I were not on the guest list for the wedding of Charles and Diana is further proof of the chasm between our two families.

“Naturally, I was hurt when Sue and I weren’t invited to your wedding, but then I realized that you knew we would be otherwise engaged with the big event for Lauren and Guillaume. And since we knew the two of you were getting married the day before, we didn’t send you, Charles, the Queen or anyone else in your family an invitation, though I admit the courtesy would have been nice. For that, I apologize.”

I went on to describe the wonderful time we had at Lauren and Guillaume’s wedding and concluded:

Now that we are back to our normal lives, I just want to say that Sue and I wish the two of you nothing but the best. I am sure your family wishes the same for Lauren and Guillaume.

“I hope this letter helps thaw the relationship between the Zezimas and the Windsors and that someday we can all get together to exchange wedding pictures. In the meantime, keep a stiff upper lip and give our best to the Queen.”

I sent the letter to William and Kate, hoping but not really expecting to hear back. Imagine my surprise and delight when the following letter arrived in the mail recently.

“St. James’s Palace

“From: The Office of TRH The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and HRH Prince Henry of Wales

“Private and Confidential

“25th October, 2011

“Dear Mr. Zezima,

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have asked me to thank you for your letter of 15th July.

“Their Royal Highnesses are grateful to you for taking the trouble to write as you did and were touched by your kind words of support.

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have asked me to send you their warmest thanks together with their belated congratulations to Lauren and Guillaume.


“Mrs. Claudia Holloway”

In case you are wondering, Mrs. Holloway, who signed the letter with a distinctive flourish in royal blue ink, is head of correspondence for the royal family, which receives about 30,000 letters a year.

I don’t know how Mrs. Holloway can still feed herself, much less sign all those letters, but I appreciate her response and the warm wishes extended by the Duke and Duchess.

Of course, we will have the letter framed and hung in a prominent place in our home, although it won’t go above the throne because, God help us, it would be kind of tacky.

Now that the Zezimas and the Windsors are back on good terms, we can’t wait until Prince Harry gets married. I’m sure an invitation will be in the mail.

Copyright 2011 by Jerry Zezima


Dave Astor said...

Loved this column, Jerry! This is the best exchange of letters since someone decided to "exchange" the order of typewriter letters from ABCDEF to QWERTY in honor of the late, great Queen Qwerty of England.

Jerry Zezima said...

Thanks, Dave. Yes, she was indeed the inspiration for the order of the typewriter letters. It goes all the way back to when she was Princess Qwerty, which caused English court reporters to, as the saying now goes, watch her P's and Q's.

JustRex said...

Very nice. I'm glad you decided to be the better man and heal this age old wound between your two families. One more step on the road to peace in our lifetime.

You might be in line for the Nobel Prize!

Jerry Zezima said...

Thank you, Darev2005. The Nobel committee has been notified of this historic development. Naturally, the Zezimas and the Windsors are pleased. Please stop by for a spot of tea.