Friday, December 10, 2010

"Christmas Letter 2010"

By Jerry Zezima

The Stamford Advocate

Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have once again decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.

That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle of the Zezima family, which includes Jerry, the patriarch; Sue, the matriarch; Katie and Lauren, the childriarchs; and Katie’s husband, Dave, the son-in-lawiarch. Happy reading!

Dear friend(s):

It sure has been an exciting 2010 for the Zezimas! The highlight of the year was the engagement of Lauren to a wonderful young man named Guillaume. Everyone in the family is thrilled for the happy couple, who will be married next year. In fact, there will be not one but two weddings, the first in France (where Guillaume is from) and the second in the United States (where Lauren is from). Is Jerry saving his euros? Oui!

In related developments, Sue and Jerry hosted Lauren’s bridal shower, for which they rented a tent that was never used, and Jerry opened a father-of-the-bridal registry at Home Depot. (Hint: He needs screwdrivers. Don’t worry about the orange juice. Just buy him vodka.)

Katie turned 30. She and Dave celebrated by going to Costa Rica, where Katie hurt her shoulder zip-lining and has needed physical therapy. It's tough getting old.

Sue and Jerry went to Cape Cod. They had a great time. And nobody got hurt.

In fact, Sue and Jerry had many excellent adventures in 2010. Sue won two tickets to a taping of “Late Show With David Letterman” in New York City. They didn’t meet Dave, or even announcer Alan Kalter of Stamford, but they did have lunch at the Hello Deli and met famous owner Rupert Jee, who made Jerry “The Letterman,” a heart-healthy hoagie inspired by Dave’s past cardiac troubles. It was delicious.

Sue and Jerry went to Upton, N.Y., to visit Brookhaven National Laboratory, home of the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider, where the origin of the universe is studied, and got a tour from Guillaume, an accelerator physicist at the lab. Jerry, who is not exactly a rocket scientist, didn’t blow anything up.

Speaking of adventures, Sue and Jerry attempted to clean the garage in anticipation of a home refinancing appraisal. They got rid of a lot of junk but not all of it, so they still can’t fit a car in there.

And speaking of cars, Jerry took his to be serviced and got a massage while he waited. Now he wants to have the oil changed every week. He also was a Target Boy for the Great Throwdini, the world-famous knife thrower, and made a point of living to tell about it.

If that weren’t a close enough shave, Jerry was a finalist in the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Contest. In a field of about 300, he finished second, losing by a whisker.

On a sad note, Lizzie, the family dog, who once beat Jerry in a blackjack tournament, passed away, a month shy of her 15th birthday. She was the sweetest creature God ever made and will always be missed.

The highest achievement of the year was when Jerry took the first solo flight of his life. He traveled to Dayton, Ohio, to be a speaker at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, where he signed copies of his book, “Leave It to Boomer.”

Yes, Jerry actually became a published author in 2010, and his book, he is proud to say, is a crime against literature. He even won it in a raffle at a dinner in Darien, Conn. Someday he might read it.

Well, that’s the news from here. Merry Christmas with love and confusion from the Zezimas.

Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima


Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Well Jerry! You've had quite a year, and best of all, you got to meet all of us, the Ermies! ;)
Hilarious. Love your positive humor.

Jerry Zezima said...

Dawn, meeting you and all the other wonderful Ermies was one of the highlights of 2010.

Leema said...

sorry to hear about Lizzie..I must've missed that column....looking forwward to reading more about JZ adventures in 2011!!!

Jerry Zezima said...

Thank you, Leema. Lizzie was the best. There will, indeed, be more JZ adventures in 2011!

Jerry Zezima said...

Thank you, Leema. Lizzie was the best. There will, indeed, be more JZ adventures in 2011!